☉︎ in 4° Leo : ☽︎ in 18° Pisces : Anno Vvii

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

To my Unknown Friend: Greeting and health.

It’s been a while since I scribbled anything down from my thoughts. Life has careened from one crisis to another over the span of months, maybe even years. I admit: I feel cursed more days than not, like something special and entirely peaceful in the universe broke when dad died. Nothing has been the same since. I can’t seem to recover. There are moments when death seems preferable to whatever this is that I’m living. 

I wrote in a chapter of Vice of Kings last year:

Courage demands reflection. It allows for no turning away from the void yet constantly affirms living life itself rather than giving up or giving in to the cynicism that is possible from such a perspective. Courage is the opposite of death.

I find, in retrospect, that I’m a coward. I haven’t given up. I would still take a bullet for anyone in my family.  I have a wonderful husband and son. I’m continuing to pursue my personal and career goals. I love the work that I do. It’s fulfilling. I’m making serious headway in my goal to train my puppy to be a service animal. And she’s a joy—when she’s not eating socks! I wouldn’t trade her for the world. 

But I have given in to my cynicism of life itself. There is just no other way to explain it. 

That’s the raw truth of it all. 

Cowardice in the face of life. 

Death? Death is easy. There are days when I would welcome death with open arms. 

Not today, though. 

Today I’m having difficulty even getting out of bed. I don’t want to face the day. I have no energy. 

Wait until, oh, about 8:00pm and my brain will be racing through a million thoughts that should have come so quietly during the day. But didn’t. 

In a conversation the other day about how I was adjusting to Ohio versus living in Texas, I almost said, “There is no community here.” That’s true on one level. The truth of the matter is that when one community fell through and turned out to be just another grifting swamp, I refused to look around for anything else. I retreated into my own solitude. It’s my own fault that I’ve not found another community that suits my needs. 

Though, weirdly, I’ve found some kindred spirits on Twitter—of all fucking places. Or I feel like I have. I wouldn’t say “friends.” We’re not at that level of baring our souls to each other. But there is a comfortability with several individuals of late, some I wish I could get to know better if only because they feel sincere. Twitter is just obnoxious, though, in the amount of people that come across as if they know everything and they are sadly out of their depth (though some of this, admittedly, may be the format of Twitter and limited space for nuance). And the ‘fad of the day/week’ for nonsense is just wasted space in my brain. 

Literally as I was writing this, I glanced at Twitter and someone had posted a quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth. I was struck by the immediacy by which it applies to me right now: 

When you want to arrive at your goal more than you want to be doing what you are doing, you become stressed. The balance between enjoyment and structural tension is lost, and the latter has won. When there is stress, it is usually a sign that the ego has returned, and you are cutting yourself off form the creative power of the universe.

I do feel stressed. And this quote sums up, precisely, the reason why I feel that way. I’m impatient. The “structural tension” of daily life has beaten the living shit out of my routines, habits, and enjoyment of life. I absolutely do feel “cut off,” cursed even/maybe, a hamster on a wheel that I didn’t choose. Or maybe I did choose it to deflect from what I am supposed to be doing, deflect from the focus of my purpose. 

I have spent a great deal of time putting my self aside for the greater purpose of my Self. Somewhere along the line that self has become indignant, angry, and … inconvenienced … that’s the word I’ve been looking for … inconvenienced by normalcy. There’s the core of my current cynicism. I find it difficult to focus on what I know I should be doing because I feel like I’m constantly putting out other people’s fires. 

I know. I get it. I’m whining about life. I don’t do that much. In fact, I rarely whine about my lot in life. I accept that this journey is about the accumulation of experience for something vastly more than me. I am merely the extension of being-itself experiencing change. I’m okay with that. I just sometimes wish it could be a bit easier. 

Love is the law, love under will.